The Power to Admit I was Wrong

Good Morning, I hope this Friday morning finds you all pleasantly well-rested amongst this ever turbulent weather and the recent mothpocalypse that swept the South Coast and Sydney Areas. Today, I thought it would be prudent to explore a topic that I think is woefully under-addressed in both modern therapy rooms and generally amongst society.

The power to admit that you were wrong.

Now, when I say “Admit you were wrong”, I am not referring to a casual, ‘my bad, buddy’ kind of moment. I mean the genuine, deep, reflective practice of acknowledging how your actions and/or words have resulted in a consequence that was unintentional, harmful, or most often, both. You are able to confront the painful truth of how you played a major role in the suffering of another person, and you show up for that pain, sharing the painful experience with the injured party in a moment of connected, empathic feeling, holding space for the depth of their suffering. You do not shy away from it, dismiss it or invalidate it altogether, simply because it is too painful or uncomfortable to witness. To go even one step beyond acknowledement and empathic connection, you also take accountability for your actions and/or words. You either commit to never harming another person in this way again, or you make amends for the suffering you have caused through restitution.

You ensure that your future behaviours are aligned with your new awareness and perspective, guided by your values and conscience, to prevent you being the cause of another person’s suffering in this same way ever again. It is a humbling, transformative experience where the witnessing practices and restorative actions you have undertaken have changed you in a most wonderful, meaningful way, and you are better for it. The power to admit you were wrong, granted you power.

That doesn’t sound so bad now, does it? It could even be a marvellous source of personal development, growth and the cultivation of a more refined and dynamic personality. And yet, how many times can we say that we have honestly shown up in that deep and reflective way for others or better yet, for ourselves, when we make a mistake or act in a way that is not values-aligned?

How many of us instead choose from the many delectable items on the menu of maladaptive coping?

• Avoidance

• Distraction

• Minimising

• Blaming others

• Projecting our problems

• Numbing through food, screens or addictive substances

• Finding excuses or justifications

• Focusing on the negative

• Focusing on the positive

• Focusing on the fact that we should be focusing on only the facts

• Focusing on only the feelings

• Exploring how my childhood traumas made me do it (okay, I might be getting a little facetious with this, but honestly avoidance can be incredibly pernicious!)

In all honesty, humans will do anything and everything in their power to avoid the big G and S words. Guilt and Shame. *shudders*

Yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have uttered the two unutterable syllables, and yet we must endeavour to understand why we are so opposed to experiencing these emotions, despite them somehow withstanding the thousands of years of genetic evolution to remain in this modern, enlightened era we live in. If they are so bad, why do they exist? If they are only here to punish us, then why shouldn’t we numb the sting with a little avoidant coping?

Guilt and Shame are guides. Truly, fear is the consequence of ignorance.

We fear that which we do not understand.

If the experience of Guilt and Shame scare you, then join me in a curious exploration as to why they exist. Unlock your understanding of them, and you will no longer be at the mercy of these emotions. You shall have dominion over them.

I often describe guilt as the lighthouse of emotions. It lets you know when you have strayed off your path, and shines a light to say “HEY! Over this way, here is where you want to be!” The best way I can conceptualise is, is that someone who is truly malicious and evil, feels no guilt when they do the wrong thing. They do not care if they lie, cheat and steal. Whereas, people with morals, values and an inner compass of right and wrong, feel that lovely pang of guilt when their actions do not align with their values or conscience. It is the guide. Our inner Jiminy Cricket, if you will. Calling us back to the path that aligns with who we truly are, and who we deeply wish to be.

Shame is more like the social hall monitor. They walk around, observing the defective instances that occur in the social space, correcting any bad or outrageous behaviours, including swearing, nudity, stealing, vulgarity and gross misconduct, in order to keep the hall operating smoothly, protect the social cohesion and to preserve the hallway in a general and broad sense of safety and security. They are kind of annoying and obnoxious, but you gotta admit, they keep the hallway clean, no gum sticks to your shoe and the bubbler is pretty clean and functional, for the most part. Could the hallway function without them? Maybe. Would it be more pleasant without them? Definitely. Are they a necessary evil? Only time will tell. Shame says, “Do not do this or you will be a social leper, outcasted from society and doomed to live alone with Patricia the cat, Tony the rat and only the pigeons who come to feed off your scraps!”

And considering humans are social creatures and need relationships, community and love to thrive, that reality of ostracisation and rejection would be life-destroying (aside from the cursory love of Patricia, Tony and the Pigeons). Hence why we have this inner voice that observes and monitors the social customs and norms of the society in which we live, and admonishes us appropriately when we act misaligned to this social standard, to ensure that we do not inadvertently alienate ourselves from the very people we wish to relate to. Can shame become corrupted? Absolutely. And so can guilt.

These emotional experiences of guilt and shame cease to be a guiding inner experience, and can actually become a horrifically painful, uncomfortable and even at times, destabilising experience when they arise. This can be a consequence of unsafe experiences over your lifetime when you made a mistake or failed to meet the standards/expectations of a caregiver, leading to shaming jeers, threats of rejection or unforgiving interactions. This is serious, painful and needs to be addressed with a psychological professional, especially if you believe that it is normal to attack and punish yourself internally if you make a mistake, and self-forgiveness is as foreign to you as the language of Pingu.

However, if you can reconcile your relationship with guilt and shame, reorient your relationship to these emotions as inner guides, rather than unreasonable tyrants, then you can be healthily guided by them to take accountability, show up for the people you hurt and right the wrongs you have committed. Guilt and shame will always be uncomfortable, but that discomfort can be incredibly motivating and transformative, when related to in a meaningful, conscious manner. I personally believe that the world would be a much better place if people had the inner power and strength to say those three, simple words.

“I was wrong”

AND

“ I am sorry”

Therapeutic Skill of the Week

Practice taking accountability for something you have done wrong, that is sitting uncomfortably in your heart and mind.

Now this is where discernment becomes very important. If the injured party does not know about the wrong you have committed, be very clear about whether telling them will:

a) Alleviate your guilt, but then puts them into unfair turmoil and suffering

b) Honours their autonomy and protects them by informing them of your actions

If the situation is historic and is not worth digging up old wounds, let us use these journal prompts to learn from the experience:

1. What happened, and what was I needing at the time?

Describe the moment as honestly and compassionately as you can. What did you do, say, or choose that felt misaligned with the person you want to be? What emotions, needs, fears, pressures, or circumstances may have influenced your response?

2. What is the guilt trying to teach me?

If I separate guilt from shame, what specifically do I feel responsible for? What does my guilt tell me about the values that were important to me in that moment? Rather than asking, “What is wrong with me?”, ask, “What matters to me that I want to honour differently?”

3. What belongs to accountability, and what belongs to shame?

What part of this experience is mine to take responsibility for, repair, or learn from? What am I carrying that goes beyond what I am actually responsible for? Can I acknowledge that I made a choice I regret without turning that choice into a judgement about my entire character? Can I pinpoint which part of society that shame is trying to protect?

4. If I responded from my values now, what would I do differently?

Imagine encountering a similar situation today, with the wisdom you have gained from this experience. Which values would you want to guide your behaviour? What would acting with integrity look like in a small, realistic and observable way?

5. How can I turn regret into repair and growth?

Is there something I need to acknowledge, apologise for, repair, change, or make amends for? What is one concrete action I can take that reflects the person I want to become? Once I have taken what I can learn from this experience, what would it look like to offer myself compassion and allow myself to move forward?

Poetic Reflections

"The true mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost.

The true heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed.

Since beginningless time, darkness thrives in the void,

but always yields to purifying light."

‍ ‍

- Lion Turtle, Avatar the Last Airbender

I believe in you! You got this :)

With patience, hope and kindness,

Tala Mansour.

The Magic of Therapy

Another week, another Friday passes. Today, I am going to discuss the magical (yes, magical) nature of therapy and the work that we do in that room. I often compare therapy and the power of words with the power of magic, and I shall endeavour to expound the reasons for my firm belief in this magic.

Firstly, let us understand magic. It is a transformative and influential power that has the ability to change, alter or completely shift an aspect of this plane of existence. For example, if I speak the words, “Haji Maji Low Taradji” and wave my hands thus, this pair of gloves will disappear! Et voila! They have disappeared. How marvellous. Now, I do not mistake magic with sleight of hand or illusion, that is a false kind of magic, which gives the impression of the change, without actually accomplishing the change honestly. True magic is actually, genuinely, making the gloves disappear.

Now think of words. Think of the creative and destructive power that our words have. Tell someone “I have always loved you, you shine like a star in the darkest of nights and you are the soothing balm to my aching heart. The world is brighter with you in it, and in my prayers of gratitude, your name is often present and frequently mentioned”. What do you think will happen to the internal state of that person? May their heart glow warmly? May a smile rest upon their lips? May they stand a little taller and feel a little brighter in their visage? In their life, they may carry the power of that statement and in darker moments, think back to your words and hold them as a lifeline of hope and light amidst the despair. You have given them strength, confidence, resilience, power and trust. And these qualities, my dear readers, are absolutely priceless and unspeakably powerful.

You, with just a few heartfelt words, have made magic. True, genuine magic. A change has occurred in this world, this plane of existence, because of the energy, authenticity and genuineness you have imbued your words with. You have touched someone’s heart, and helped them to feel more alive, more real, more worthy. Had you said those words with no true passion or feeling, not meaning any of the words, but saying them because they sound pretty, ahhhh well that is illusion and sleight of hand. The change in the other’s heart will not occur, or if it does, it is not be long-lasting, because your actions do not corroborate the words you say.

Intention matters when it comes to magic, for coherence and consistency help the power of the magic to be sustained, and to even grow over time.

Now, take the destructive nature of words. “You will never be able to do it, I told you, you were a failure and absolutely pathetic. Why do you even bother trying? The world would be better without you in it, you are just a waste of space and oxygen”. It hurt my heart a little to even type those words out, that is how dangerous and powerful statements like the one above can be. What would happen to the heart and soul of the person receiving those words? Would they go for that new job? Open their heart to that new relationship? How would they carry themselves day to day? How would they interact with the world around them?

If someone has received enough of the positive power of words, they can withstand such attacks. This is the magic in action, think of a protective forcefield that repels the negative energy away (I love to imagine the scene in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, where Harry thinks of the happiest moment of his life and yells out EXPECTO PATRONUM - and a protective animal of light bursts from his wand to repel the haunting dementors who come to feast on your misery). These individuals have a healthy reservoir of confidence, self esteem and self compassion to enable them to repel these damaging words, saying to them “Leave from my threshold, you will not enter my home. You are not welcome here. Only light, hope, goodness, patience, kindness and honesty are welcome here. Take your evil, destructive nature and leave at once! I already have tenants here who are very pleasant to me”.

Magic awaits us in the most ordinary of places.

What kind of magician will you be?

An agent of darkness or a guardian of light?

In the therapy room, think of me as your magic tutor. I teach you how to phrase the right words, string together the right magical enchantment, apply the right rituals, to bring about the change that you are seeking to implement in your life.

Tala, I wish to learn to start going for a run every morning. Amazing! Here are the words and rituals you need to practice every day to be able to access the right kind of magical power, finding energy, the will to change and inner strength to get up and go for that run.

You might chuckle to yourself and say, okay but that is just silly. Going for a run has nothing to do with magic, you just need to stop being lazy and want it bad enough. Okay, but you try going for a run when your inner voice is saying “What’s the point? It is so cold and dark outside, and who even cares? You’re never going to be able to run for more than 5 minutes. And I am just going to get old and can’t run anymore, so I will have to stop eventually. If I just stay in my warm, comfy bed, who is that hurting? Isn’t five more minutes of sleep better than a stupid 20 minute run, anyways?

If you can still get up and run with that dialogue going in your mind, then all the power to you! That’s wonderful. I know I cannot.

The best way to use magic in your life is to follow these very clear steps:

1. Identify your goal clearly. Envision it in your mind in as much detail as you can possibly muster (visualisation helps with the magical connection).

2. Find the words that get you as possibly close to your goal as you can get.

3. Repeat those words over and over until you start to see the effects of your magical enchantment and feel yourself getting closer to your goal.

4. Find any ritualistic behaviours you can do that support and enhance the magical charm of your words.

5. Repeat the words and the rituals over and over until you have accomplished your goal.

This is the magical recipe to life.

Let’s see this in action.

1. I want to learn how to play the Oud. I see myself playing it, I see myself holding the instrument, strumming the strings, making the melody. I feel the weight of it in my lap, smell the richness of the timber, the smoothness of its bowl, the tautness of the strings. It is there, with me, and I am making music.

2. “I can do it. I just need to practice and start small, just learning one new chord a day, in one year, I would have learned 365 chords (if that many exist). Yes, it will hurt and be tedious and I might get bored and frustrated, but making music is important to me. My soul needs a new language to express itself and think of how emotionally meaningfully it would be, to be able to make music. You deserve to learn this skill and your life deserves to have more beauty in it. You are allowed to prioritise your pleasure, your joy and you artful, creative self expression. I believe in you, you can do it! Let’s look into it today, nothing is stopping me. I can start right now. I will be grateful I started now rather than later. Let’s go!”

3. I can purchase the instrument and start practising every day. If I just pick it up and run a few exercises, that is better than nothing.

4. Repeat until I have achieved the goal and can play the Oud.

“There are only two ways to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle.

The other is as though everything is a miracle”

- Albert Einstein

Therapeutic Skill of the Week

Let us practice the magic of positive affirmations.

Repeat this 10 times out loud, and notice the magic effects of what happens in your body and to your mind.

• I have the power to create a life that feels alive.

• One small change now leads to big change later.

• I am ready to grow beyond what once held me back.

• Life is calling me forward, and I am ready to answer.

• I choose movement over fear, and possibility over doubt.

• Make your own!

Notice the effects of the words on your body, on the state of your mind, and feel the magical effects of this repeated enchantment on your life.

Poetic Reflections

"Call a boy a gentlemen and watch his shoulders straighten.

Call a girl a lady and watch her spirit turn graceful.

Humanity was brought into existence by God speaking words into the void of the universe.

We tend to become what we are called.”

- The Medicine of Hope

Why not make life magical? Find the magic in your life, it is all around you, waiting to be witnessed.

In your one precious life, don’t be a muggle.

With patience, hope and kindness,

Tala Mansour.