The Power to Admit I was Wrong
Good Morning, I hope this Friday morning finds you all pleasantly well-rested amongst this ever turbulent weather and the recent mothpocalypse that swept the South Coast and Sydney Areas. Today, I thought it would be prudent to explore a topic that I think is woefully under-addressed in both modern therapy rooms and generally amongst society.
The power to admit that you were wrong.
Now, when I say “Admit you were wrong”, I am not referring to a casual, ‘my bad, buddy’ kind of moment. I mean the genuine, deep, reflective practice of acknowledging how your actions and/or words have resulted in a consequence that was unintentional, harmful, or most often, both. You are able to confront the painful truth of how you played a major role in the suffering of another person, and you show up for that pain, sharing the painful experience with the injured party in a moment of connected, empathic feeling, holding space for the depth of their suffering. You do not shy away from it, dismiss it or invalidate it altogether, simply because it is too painful or uncomfortable to witness. To go even one step beyond acknowledement and empathic connection, you also take accountability for your actions and/or words. You either commit to never harming another person in this way again, or you make amends for the suffering you have caused through restitution.
You ensure that your future behaviours are aligned with your new awareness and perspective, guided by your values and conscience, to prevent you being the cause of another person’s suffering in this same way ever again. It is a humbling, transformative experience where the witnessing practices and restorative actions you have undertaken have changed you in a most wonderful, meaningful way, and you are better for it. The power to admit you were wrong, granted you power.
That doesn’t sound so bad now, does it? It could even be a marvellous source of personal development, growth and the cultivation of a more refined and dynamic personality. And yet, how many times can we say that we have honestly shown up in that deep and reflective way for others or better yet, for ourselves, when we make a mistake or act in a way that is not values-aligned?
How many of us instead choose from the many delectable items on the menu of maladaptive coping?
Avoidance
Distraction
Minimising
Blaming others
Projecting our problems
Numbing through food, screens or addictive substances
Finding excuses or justifications
Focusing on the negative
Focusing on the positive
Focusing on the fact that we should be focusing on only the facts
Focusing on only the feelings
Exploring how my childhood traumas made me do it (okay, I might be getting a little facetious with this, but honestly avoidance can be incredibly pernicious!)
In all honesty, humans will do anything and everything in their power to avoid the big G and S words. Guilt and Shame. *shudders*
Yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have uttered the two unutterable syllables, and yet we must endeavour to understand why we are so opposed to experiencing these emotions, despite them somehow withstanding the thousands of years of genetic evolution to remain in this modern, enlightened era we live in. If they are so bad, why do they exist? If they are only here to punish us, then why shouldn’t we numb the sting with a little avoidant coping?
Guilt and Shame are guides. Truly, fear is the consequence of ignorance.
We fear that which we do not understand.
If the experience of Guilt and Shame scare you, then join me in a curious exploration as to why they exist. Unlock your understanding of them, and you will no longer be at the mercy of these emotions. You shall have dominion over them.
I often describe guilt as the lighthouse of emotions. It lets you know when you have strayed off your path, and shines a light to say “HEY! Over this way, here is where you want to be!” The best way I can conceptualise is, is that someone who is truly malicious and evil, feels no guilt when they do the wrong thing. They do not care if they lie, cheat and steal. Whereas, people with morals, values and an inner compass of right and wrong, feel that lovely pang of guilt when their actions do not align with their values or conscience. It is the guide. Our inner Jiminy Cricket, if you will. Calling us back to the path that aligns with who we truly are, and who we deeply wish to be.
Shame is more like the social hall monitor. They walk around, observing the defective instances that occur in the social space, correcting any bad or outrageous behaviours, including swearing, nudity, stealing, vulgarity and gross misconduct, in order to keep the hall operating smoothly, protect the social cohesion and to preserve the hallway in a general and broad sense of safety and security. They are kind of annoying and obnoxious, but you gotta admit, they keep the hallway clean, no gum sticks to your shoe and the bubbler is pretty clean and functional, for the most part. Could the hallway function without them? Maybe. Would it be more pleasant without them? Definitely. Are they a necessary evil? Only time will tell. Shame says, “Do not do this or you will be a social leper, outcasted from society and doomed to live alone with Patricia the cat, Tony the rat and only the pigeons who come to feed off your scraps!”
And considering humans are social creatures and need relationships, community and love to thrive, that reality of ostracisation and rejection would be life-destroying (aside from the cursory love of Patricia, Tony and the Pigeons). Hence why we have this inner voice that observes and monitors the social customs and norms of the society in which we live, and admonishes us appropriately when we act misaligned to this social standard, to ensure that we do not inadvertently alienate ourselves from the very people we wish to relate to. Can shame become corrupted? Absolutely. And so can guilt.
These emotional experiences of guilt and shame cease to be a guiding inner experience, and can actually become a horrifically painful, uncomfortable and even at times, destabilising experience when they arise. This can be a consequence of unsafe experiences over your lifetime when you made a mistake or failed to meet the standards/expectations of a caregiver, leading to shaming jeers, threats of rejection or unforgiving interactions. This is serious, painful and needs to be addressed with a psychological professional, especially if you believe that it is normal to attack and punish yourself internally if you make a mistake, and self-forgiveness is as foreign to you as the language of Pingu.
However, if you can reconcile your relationship with guilt and shame, reorient your relationship to these emotions as inner guides, rather than unreasonable tyrants, then you can be healthily guided by them to take accountability, show up for the people you hurt and right the wrongs you have committed. Guilt and shame will always be uncomfortable, but that discomfort can be incredibly motivating and transformative, when related to in a meaningful, conscious manner. I personally believe that the world would be a much better place if people had the inner power and strength to say those three, simple words.
“I was wrong”
AND
“ I am sorry”
Therapeutic Skill of the Week
Practice taking accountability for something you have done wrong, that is sitting uncomfortably in your heart and mind.
Now this is where discernment becomes very important. If the injured party does not know about the wrong you have committed, be very clear about whether telling them will:
a) Alleviate your guilt, but then puts them into unfair turmoil and suffering
b) Honours their autonomy and protects them by informing them of your actions
If the situation is historic and is not worth digging up old wounds, let us use these journal prompts to learn from the experience:
1. What happened, and what was I needing at the time?
Describe the moment as honestly and compassionately as you can. What did you do, say, or choose that felt misaligned with the person you want to be? What emotions, needs, fears, pressures, or circumstances may have influenced your response?
2. What is the guilt trying to teach me?
If I separate guilt from shame, what specifically do I feel responsible for? What does my guilt tell me about the values that were important to me in that moment? Rather than asking, “What is wrong with me?”, ask, “What matters to me that I want to honour differently?”
3. What belongs to accountability, and what belongs to shame?
What part of this experience is mine to take responsibility for, repair, or learn from? What am I carrying that goes beyond what I am actually responsible for? Can I acknowledge that I made a choice I regret without turning that choice into a judgement about my entire character? Can I pinpoint which part of society that shame is trying to protect?
4. If I responded from my values now, what would I do differently?
Imagine encountering a similar situation today, with the wisdom you have gained from this experience. Which values would you want to guide your behaviour? What would acting with integrity look like in a small, realistic and observable way?
5. How can I turn regret into repair and growth?
Is there something I need to acknowledge, apologise for, repair, change, or make amends for? What is one concrete action I can take that reflects the person I want to become? Once I have taken what I can learn from this experience, what would it look like to offer myself compassion and allow myself to move forward?
Poetic Reflections
"The true mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost.
The true heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed.
Since beginningless time, darkness thrives in the void,
but always yields to purifying light."
- Lion Turtle, Avatar the Last Airbender
I believe in you! You got this :)
With patience, hope and kindness,
Tala Mansour.