Boundaries… Breaking Myths and Building Skills
On this cold and gloomy Friday morning, I am reflecting on the very controversial topic of boundaries, and how much space it has taken in recent sessions with clients. Some people view boundaries with disgust and vehemence, others with relief and wonder, at how they have never thought to use them before in relationships. Let us break down the true depth of boundaries and challenge some common misconceptions about, what I believe to be, one of the best techniques we can use to navigate difficult relationships.
Boundaries are protective. Full stop. No matter what your experience has been with boundaries thus far, I can assure you, if they have felt uncomfortable or abrasive, it is likely that the other person was unskilled in the application of this intervention. Boundaries are not selfish, they are not indulgent, they are not reactive. Boundaries are considered, measured and require a level of emotional intelligence, nuance and skilled communication to effectively establish. The reason why a boundary exists in a relationship is to protect the relationship. If a boundary means permanently ending the relationship, then it is not a boundary.
Let us elucidate this point with an example. Let us say that I have a dear friend who is very keen to get pregnant, whereas I am not interested in doing so, and actually become agitated by repeated questions or hints about starting a family. She sends multiple videos and photos about babies and how wonderful life is as a mother. Her intentions are pure and loving, however, she is unaware of the emotional strain she is causing me. I find myself drained after interactions, and feel myself withdrawing and wanting to avoid contact with that friend (very common warning signs that your needs, feelings and rights are not being appropriately respected in a relationship dynamic). In order to protect that friendship, I needed to set the boundary that moving forward, it would be appreciated if content around babies and motherhood could be limited and there is room to discuss other topics in the friendship.
This serves to;
Protect the friendship by creating safety in our interactions once more, for me to feel safe continuing to show up.
Acknowledges my needs and emotions as valid and important in the relationship.
Reduces the risk of emotional suppression or self-sacrifice (to keep the peace), which would have resulted in resentment building over time.
Respects the rights of the friend to be able to make an informed choice in the friendship, providing her the opportunity to respond to and meet my needs, rather than me deciding for us that the friendship is over.
Boundaries are a sign of emotional maturity, consideration and depth, as it requires a level of distress tolerance skills (slightly confrontational discussions are never comfortable or easy) and the ability to skilfully communicate your needs, without bulldozing the other person’s experience in the relationship. There are many ways I could have established that boundary. Let us explore some common approaches and unpack their positive and negative consequences, allowing you to evaluate how boundary setting will look for you, depending on your social environment and the capacity of the people around you.
There is not a one-size-fits-all approach to boundary setting, contrary to current popular opinion.
Option 1
“I’ve been feeling really unhappy with the recent focus on babies in our time together, and I feel like you aren’t making space for other things in our friendship. Can we please avoid talking about babies and motherhood for a while, until I let you know I’m ready for that stage of my life?”
Option 2
“I get really uncomfortable with conversations that focus on motherhood and having babies, and I know this is my stuff. I’ve had some recent trauma in that area and I’m trying to work through it, but in the meantime it would be really helpful if you could not bring up that topic, as it is triggering some strong emotions in me and I find myself withdrawing in our friendship. It is absolutely not you, and I need you to know that I love you and appreciate your enthusiasm about motherhood, I just can’t share that joy with you right now, and I’m very sorry about that.”
Option 3
[Friend brings up babies] - “I’m so glad you brought that up again, as I’ve been meaning to ask you if we could switch the focus of our conversations to some other topics, as I’ve noticed a lot of our time chatting has been focusing on motherhood. What else is going on with you? Any hobbies you are interested in pursuing these days?
Option 4
“Can we please not talk about that anymore? It makes me uncomfortable.”
Option 5
-Pause- “I’m not going to respond to you anymore when you bring up motherhood and child-rearing. If you continue to bring it up, I will stop talking to you and walk away. I hope you can understand that this is my boundary.”
Option 6
Say nothing. Do nothing. Just let it be.
And so on and so forth. Interestingly, these are all effective ways to set a boundary. However, there are multiple factors to consider when you decide on the approach you take to setting a boundary. I think most people envision option 5 when they picture setting a boundary with others, though I would argue that option is the most bullish, least skilful way to set a boundary, especially with a trusted, loved one. The factors that I hope you are taking into consideration when you explore setting a boundary with a friend or acquaintance are;
Their age - as this considers their generational understanding of appropriate behaviours in relationships. Setting a boundary with a 21 year old is very different to setting a boundary with a 60 year old.
Their level of emotional intelligence - some individuals have a deeper, more reflective capacity to hold space for your emotions and understanding their impact on you, while others can struggle with empathy and consequential thinking, showing a limited capacity for taking accountability or changing their behaviours to make space for your needs.
The duration and shared history in your relationship - is there established trust, have they shown you that they are reliable, trustworthy, kind and considerate? Do you care deeply for this friendship and wish to not only maintain it, but continue to grow it?
Your felt sense of safety with that person - can you converse with them and still feel safe? Do they let you speak without cutting you off? Do they use emotional manipulation, bullying, intimidation or gaslighting in conversations to avoid discussing their problems?
Cultural and Religious Obligations - we do not live in a vacuum, and there are broader cultural and religious communities that will be impacted by boundary setting in certain relationships, particularly parental ones. Sometimes we need to explore more skilful, nuanced ways of setting boundaries that respect our collectivist communities, while also addressing our individual needs.
Let’s play a little fun game, match the consideration to the option you would use in setting a boundary. E.g. for a culturally sensitive boundary, you could use option 3, or some variation of that. Write out how you would word your boundary.
Aside from these more personal considerations, I would also like you to reflect on whether this issue has actually been a recurring one, or is it just a once-off, fleeting occurrence? You need to track these perceptions with journaling or documentation, as the brain is very wont to warp reality and distort your perception of the frequency and duration of an event, particularly if the interaction is stressful or anxiety-provoking. It is not worth setting a boundary with a loved one if they are not repeating this pattern enough to warrant a conversation. We also need to acknowledge the space for thought challenging, cognitive reframing and personalised emotion regulation and self-soothing in our relationships. This is the space where grace enters a relationship, and you are allowed to let certain things go. Pick your battles wisely.
It is not always about OUR safety and OUR needs in relationships. We need to make room for our friends, colleagues, acquaintances and peers to express their wants, needs, feelings and interests in relationships. Not every encounter that leaves us feeling anxious or drained necessarily means the other has done something inappropriate.
This is a cognitive distortion called emotional reasoning, that claims “Because I feel anxious, they must have done something wrong. I need to set a boundary here”.
The time to set a boundary is when you not setting the boundary will cause the relationship to wither and die.
Boundaries are protective of relationships. Their function is to keep you interacting and engaging with the other, in a way that maintains your sense of safety, autonomy and respect. If we continue to make excuses for the other person, not acknowledging the way that interactions with them actually harm, deplete and disrespect us, not only are we causing harm to ourselves, but we are maintaining a friendship that maybe we should be walking away from. Boundaries are the ultimate test as to whether we keep working on the relationship, or we let it go. If I skilfully communicate my needs, how does the other respond? Do they escalate the behaviour?
The final form of boundary setting is saying nothing. Just letting time run its course and let the relationship slowly fade on its own. When the person on the other side is not responsive or capable of receiving your vulnerability, do not expose yourself to further harm by pouring your heart out to them. This is a good time for us to explore those options I listed above and the times you would use that boundary, and times when you absolutely should not use that boundary!
Therapeutic Skill of the Week
We are going to explore skilful ways of setting a boundary and how to improve your existing approaches to boundary setting.
Option 1
“I’ve been feeling really unhappy with the recent focus on babies in our time together, and I feel like you aren’t making space for other things in our friendship. Can we please avoid talking about babies and motherhood for a while, until I let you know I’m ready for that stage of my life?”
PROS - It is concise, validates your emotional experience, asks for the change in behaviour, lets her know we can go back to discussing the topic when I am ready.
CONS - Vague language used (‘for a while, when I’m ready’), assumes unfairly that the friend is not considering your needs in the relationship, prioritises your experience over your friend’s. This is not a very considerate approach, it is very self-focused.
WAYS TO IMPROVE: Clearly state how long you need to avoid the topic, a few weeks, months? What are you doing to manage your emotions about the issue? Are you working on it? How will you honour your friend’s experience and interests too? Offer to talk about her own experiences alone, requesting gently that she stops asking you about your experience with the topic.
WHO TO USE THIS BOUNDARY WITH: Friends, partners, siblings, trusted individuals, cousins, peers of a similar age, when there is no cultural obligation or religious context to consider.
Option 2
“I get really uncomfortable with conversations that focus on motherhood and having babies, and I know this is my stuff. I’ve had some recent trauma in that area and I’m trying to work through it, but in the meantime it would be really helpful if you could not bring up that topic, as it is triggering some strong emotions in me and I find myself withdrawing in our friendship. It is absolutely not you, and I need you to know that I love you and appreciate your enthusiasm about motherhood, I just can’t share that joy with you right now, and I’m very sorry about that.”
PROS - It provides greater context, considering your friend’s feelings and right to understand exactly why this issue needs to be avoided. It is very empathic and compassionate to your friend’s right to discuss things she is interested in at this time. It takes responsibility and ownership of the discomfort, rather than blaming it on the friend. It clearly outlines what you are doing to work through the issue, and places protecting the friendship as the centre of the discussion, over protecting your own emotions.
CONS - It still does not provide space in the relationship for the other’s needs, there is an element of over-explaining or over-justifying. It is fine line between providing context and trying to appease the other’s emotions by overly explaining how it is not their fault. Sometimes simple is better.
WAYS TO IMPROVE: Be certain around how much you want to explain as to the context of this boundary being set, try to avoid over-explaining yourself. Offer some space for the friend to request space or time for their needs to be met.
WHO TO USE THIS BOUNDARY WITH: Only with very close, loved ones who have established trust and can hear your vulnerability.
Option 3
[Friend brings up babies] - “I’m so glad you brought that up again, as I’ve been meaning to ask you if we could switch the focus of our conversations to some other topics, as I’ve noticed a lot of our time chatting has been focusing on motherhood. What else is going on with you? Any hobbies you are interested in pursuing these days?
PROS - It is concise, simple, protects your vulnerability by not acknowledging how it impacts you emotionally, changes the conversation which is a subtle, nuanced way of setting a boundary, without limiting the person that you can/cannot talk about this topic.
CONS - There is no emotional repair, as the core of the issue is not addressed.
WAYS TO IMPROVE: Make sure to explore the emotional wound on your own, either with journaling, time with a psychologist or with a trusted friend. We cannot pretend the harm does not exist.
WHO TO USE THIS BOUNDARY WITH: More distant relationships, people you do not see very often, elders who cannot be told what to do, or who struggle to understand the concept of a boundary.
Option 4
“Can we please not talk about that anymore? It makes me uncomfortable.”
PROS - Short, sweet, to the point. Addresses both the change in behaviour and the emotional wound.
CONS - Incredibly blunt, unskilful, does not consider the emotions of the other.
WAYS TO IMPROVE: Reflect deeply on whether this is an appropriate boundary to set with the person you intend to use it with. Can the relationship sustain this kind of boundary, or will this be the final blow?
WHO TO USE THIS BOUNDARY WITH: People who themselves utilise and respond to blunt, direct communication. Individuals without a capacity for empathy, emotional depth or vulnerability.
Option 5
-Pause- “I’m not going to respond to you anymore when you bring up motherhood and child-rearing. If you continue to bring it up, I will stop talking to you and walk away. I hope you can understand that this is my boundary.”
PROS - Very assertive and clear communication, outlines the consequence to the boundary breach very overtly, outlines this is a boundary.
CONS - It is blunt, unskilful, does not consider the emotions of the other. Places the self at the centre of the relationship, disempowers the other as they are not given a chance to repair. This is the equivalent of an emotional choke-hold and submission in a relationship, rather than an attempt to repair or rebuild.
WAYS TO IMPROVE: Soften the language, make room for the other person’s experience in the relationship, and their equal right to discuss topics they are interested in. De-centre yourself and centre the relationship in the conversation, utilising empathic statements and taking the perspective of your peer when utilising this boundary. Reflect deeply on whether this is an appropriate boundary to set with the person you intend to use it with.
WHO TO USE THIS BOUNDARY WITH: More distant acquaintances, people who you may be forced to interact with like colleagues, unsafe individuals who utilise abusive and manipulative tactics in relationships to dominate your needs and emotions.
Option 6
Say nothing. Do nothing. Just let it be.
PROS - Saves you the emotional burden of managing the other person in the relationship.
CONS - Does not address the problem at all. This is the classic ‘sweep it under the carpet’ technique.
WAYS TO IMPROVE: Reflect deeply on whether this is an appropriate boundary to set with the person you intend to use it with. How are you addressing the wound, how is this protecting the relationship?
WHO TO USE THIS BOUNDARY WITH: Cultural or religiously protected relationships, like with elders. Individuals incapable of understanding emotional language or how their actions impact others. Individuals you do not feel safe with.
Poetic Reflections
“For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared,
with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth:
and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
- Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
Thank you for reading.
All my very best,
Tala